It’s been a long day. Not that I’ve actually done much today. I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m almost, almost done with school. And I think it is because of that, that I am so unmotivated to do school. I mean, I could do it probably pretty quickly, since it is like two or three subjects. But because it is so little, I’m barely getting the minimal amount done.
Also, decisions decisions decisions. What kind of career do I want to have? Where do I want to go to college? What do I plan to do with the rest of my life? Questions questions questions all with little to no answers. I wish I could say that I have a plan, that I know what I’m going to do with my life.
But I don’t. I really don’t. I have plenty of ideas, plenty of aspirations, plenty of hobbies. But I haven’t made any decisions. I have one year of high school left. After that, I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what my life will look like next year.
This worries me. I want to know where I’m going. I want to have a set goal so that I know what I’m working towards. I want to be able to see what I’m heading towards, but it feels like I’m driving through a fog.
I find myself trying to reach for something, anything that is better than where I am. I find myself believing that where I am is not good enough. I try for more this more that. I try to make myself better, in my own mind. In the end I give up and I go back to whatever I was doing originally, even if I feel a little guilty about it.
This happens over and over. I go from trying everything, putting on more and more work, to doing nothing and feeling guilty about it.
I find myself wanting more from this life. I either try to find it by doing more and more things. Or I do nothing at all. I give up. What’s the point, anyways? If, in the end, for all the work I’ve done, I’m not going to find it. I might as well do nothing at all. I go in and out of agreeing with this reasoning.
This has brought be closer and closer to the realization that I’ve relying too much on myself. I rely on myself to get more from this life. I try everything and nothing. I try and I don’t try.
This life is never going to be good enough for me. No, it is impossible for it to be good enough for me. It’s a fallen world, a sinful world. We were made for a better world than this. This world isn’t going to satisfy that want.
But God can.
God is good enough.
He can fulfill that want inside of us. He can give us that direction that we so desperately need in our lives. He can be everything that we need in our lives. And more. He is so much more than we could ever imagine. He cares about us, more than we’ll ever know.
We can’t rely on ourselves. We’ll fail. But we can rely on God, because He’ll never fail.